Remus and the Tramp
by Lone Stranger
Summary: When Remus was told that his only requirement for the Order mission was to look like a bum, he knew he was in for a long day. By Stranger
1. Chapter 1

**Originally written for the January Ficathon over at the rtchallenge community at Livejournal. Story will be five chapters long, with weekly updates. **

**I must add that I feel a little bad-- I haven't been reading as much R/T over at Fanfic as I used to. Other fandoms have pulled me away, but rtchallenge was a great way to get me back in the spirit. If I normally reviewed your fics, and haven't for awhile, just let me know- I probably (sadly) haven't noticed there were updates. :( Thanks to my constant reviewers out there, few in numbers you may be.**

**-Dev (Stranger)**

* * *

"You look like a hussy."

"Thank you!"

Although he looked it, Remus Lupin was not that old. However, he was sure that this was the first time in history those words had ever been spoken without being followed by an angry slap.

While sitting in his favorite kitchen chair in Grimmauld Place, he had been treated to a wonderful, but not very surprising, surprise. His partner for the day, Nymphadora Tonks, was dressed from head to toe in an outfit that reminded him of the girls who used to pull up their skirts before they entered his Defense Against The Dark Arts class. She had on a shirt that was much too tight, with a neckline that dropped precariously close to the edge of the red lacey bra he could make out through the white blouse. Her shorts were scarcely even visible without a microscope, and she had on a pair of fishnet stockings with a large rip in the knee that went all the way down her long, pale legs to the red stiletto heels that must have been horrible to walk in. Her hair was bright platinum blonde, and she had morphed the first few centimeters of it brown, as if her roots were showing. Her face was caked with makeup, and she had on such a dark shade of lipstick that Remus began to feel sweat drip down his forehead.

But the thing that topped off the whole ensemble was the fact that Tonks had morphed a tiny hump in her belly, just large enough so that it looked like she was with child, but not enough so that she would have a hard time dodging Death Eaters –although Remus had different feelings about her choice of shoes. She waddled a bit when she walked, but other than that, she seemed perfectly (stunning) normal.

Kingsley had given them no other details about the mission, other than the fact that they should look as –in his own words, "like a stripper and a bum" –as possible. Remus just took the most moth-eaten jumper he had, and paired it with khaki pants that had a hole running from the pocket to the bottom in a zigzagging pattern. Tonks, it seemed, had gone all out for the occasion.

"You really like it? I modeled my looks after the town tramp." Tonks mentioned, spinning around in a circle, so that Remus could take in the full effect. He had a hard time keeping focused when presented with such a dizzying expanse of the Auror's pale skin, but he swallowed deeply when she turned around to face him.

"Lovely." He replied, a tad raspy. Tonks got a strange glint in her teal eyes, but she blinked it away quickly.

"So, shall we go?" She chirped, hunting around for her wand on the table for a moment, before finding it and slipping it into her back pocket. Tonks smiled warmly, and Remus suddenly forgot his skill for replying in a gentleman-like manner.

He nodded while averting his eyes, but if he hadn't, he would have seen Tonks's wicked grin.

"Kingley said to meet him at the Ministry." Tonks started to walk out of the kitchen, but Remus stopped her.

"You're going into your office dressed like _that_?"

Tonks smirked, and raised her eyebrows at him over her shoulder in what he could only describe later as a 'come hither' look.

"This is nothing. You should see me on Casual Friday."

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**Jumping on the bandwagon, here. Reviewers get their choice of Remuses: Mischievous Remus, who stares at your arse when you're not looking; Nice Remus, who tells you your outfit is lovely, even when it's not; and Sexy Remus, who would put on his best jumper for you, moth-eaten and all.**


	2. Chapter 2

**It seems like I'm all apologies these days.**

**Recently, because my schedule is so hectic, I've only been reading Remus/Tonks fanfiction over at LiveJournal, since I'm already there for other things. Plus, most everything I read there is also posted here, and sometimes I accidentally skip over things that are only posted here. Many, many apologies. I just don't have enough time to fit it all in.**

**But here, a little late, is the next chapter. :)**

**-Dev (Stranger)**

* * *

Remus Lupin did not like to be stared at.

He had always been gawked at by passersby when he walked down the street. In some cases, it was because of his shabby clothes and prematurely greying hair. In others, and this was usually done by people who cohorted with Dolores Umbridge, they scoffed at the fact that he was even allowing himself to be in the presence of the normal society.

He wasn't sure that he had ever been gawked at for the company he associated with.

And really, he couldn't blame anyone not doing a double take when they saw an old man with a sprightly young witch, dressed like a working girl from head to toe, on his arm. The situation reminded him of the classic movie Lady and the Tramp, although he wasn't quite sure if he was supposed to be the Lady or not. It was an interesting paradox that kept his mind occupied as they made their way to the telephone booth behind an old run-down shop.

Tonks was humming some unknown tune, and Remus could feel her heels clicking in time to the beat. Every once in awhile there was a tiny stumble, but she usually managed to right herself without much need of assistance. He secretly wondered how long she had been practicing walking in those shoes. But, walking a half-step behind her certainly didn't have any disadvantages, especially since her hips swayed back and forth, capturing his interest like a hypnotist's pendulum.

Remus, ever the gentleman, slid the door open for Tonks, who nodded her head in a thank you. She stared at her shoes fixedly with a pursed lip expression, Remus assuming that she was thinking about how much farther she could walk in those heels before taking a tumble for the worst. Her badge came first down the chute, and she puzzled for a moment before finding a place to pin it. With a chuckle, she stuck it to the pocket of her shorts.

"Not like there's any room on the top."

Indeed, Remus thought, looking away quickly. He pulled his badge from the chute and stuck it to his jumper without even looking at it. It would say what it always said.

_Remus J. Lupin  
Visitor_

_**Werewolf**_

Tonks pursed her lips in distaste, and she kept that look all the way to the Ministry Atrium. The interior seemed to be buzzing with activity, and no one really seemed to notice that the two of them stuck out like a sore thumb. Remus thought this was especially odd, since they looked like they belonged in a seedy bar in the Red Light District. He could almost imagine the smell of beer and cigarettes permeating the air around them, and clinging to their clothes like a thick fog. Clearing his head with a shake that seemed to dislodge the smoke, he stepped in line for the detector behind Tonks.

"Is it Friday already?" The guard asked when they walked through the detector. Tonks grinned.

"It's only Tuesday." She answered, putting an extra sway in her step as she turned around to wait for Remus to come through. The guard made a grunting noise, and turned to the next person in line.

"How awkward was _that_?" Tonks asked jokingly, guiding Remus to the elevators. He felt compelled to follow along like a devoted puppy; those heels looked extremely sharp. Punching the correct button, Tonks sighed a bit as the doors closed, leaving them alone.

"Just be glad this isn't one of the busy days." She turned, leaning back against the wall. It made her legs seem even longer, and Remus swallowed hard.

"This isn't busy?"

"Oh, no. Normally, I have to get in the elevator with ten other people, and each person gets off on a different floor. It takes bloody forever to get to my office."

"Even on Fridays?"

She chuckled, and a dangerous glint appeared in her eyes.

"Especially on Fridays."

Remus made a choking sound as the doors opened, and Kingsley seemed right there to greet them.

"I owled him before we left." Tonks explained.

Kingsley wolf-whistled as he took in her full appearance, and Remus felt his hands clench into a fist at his side.

"I didn't think you would actually come in your…er… 'outfits'. You both certainly went all out. I had a bet with Arthur that you would refuse to dress up at all. I owe him a pint at the Three Broomsticks, it seems." The large man said, glancing to Remus with a grin.

"I was going to wear the shirt I wore last week, but I thought that might be overdoing it." Tonks said with a laugh, and Kingsley joined in.

"That certainly wouldn't have gone unappreciated by the Auror staff." He added, his laugh covering up Remus's sharp intake of breath.

"I'm dying to know where we're going, King." Tonks mentioned after a moment, and Remus let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding.

"Hagrid's in need of your services at Hogwarts. Apparantly, there's a trouble with fires, and he wants you to get rid of it. I hope this doesn't tickle your fancy, as this is no laughing matter."

Tonks nodded silently, a beat behind Remus. Kingley also gave a nod that they had received the news, and he turned around and walked back to his office.

Without any further word, Remus and Tonks stepped back into the elevator, joined this time by a portly woman who had a haircut remarkably similar to Umbridge's. Remus had to squint and look closer to make sure it wasn't her, but when she left, he realized that this woman was indeed too skinny to be Dolores. And she smoked, as was evidenced by the cloud of ash that surrounded her when she exited the doors.

"Are you up for this mission?" Tonks asked solemnly, turning towards Remus once the doors had closed.

"It doesn't seem too difficult. Hagrid probably just misfired with his umbrella, and set some of the Forbidden Forest on fire. Just a quick_ Aguamenti_, and we'll be on our way."

Tonks opened her eyes wide, stepping back to lean on the wall of the elevator.

"Kingsley was talking in code, so he wasn't overheard. We're not there to get rid of the fire. We're there to get rid of the cause. 'This is no laughing matter'."

He must not have seemed to understand, because Tonks elaborated. "Never tickle a sleeping dragon; never laugh at a live dragon."

Remus stared straight ahead for a moment before he finally caught on.

"Dragons." He whispered. "We have to get rid of a dragon."

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	3. Chapter 3

**Originally for the rtchallenge contest over at January. Part 3 of 5. I apologize for any Britpicks I missed, or any spelling mistakes. I have finals tomorrow, and wanted to get this posted before I was bogged down with studying. :)**

**-Stranger (Devonwood)**

_Disclaimer: I still don't own the characters, no matter how much I desperately want to._

* * *

When he was younger, Remus Lupin used to wonder about the architectural style of Hogwarts Castle. Whether the large arches said it was Roman, or if the flying buttresses signified that it was done in a Renaissance style. Also, the ornate wood detail and stonework in some of the rooms suggested Medieval Gothic, but the outside was large and bulky, which didn't seem to fit any style at all. 

Frankly, as he made his way to the Castle nearly twenty years later, he didn't give a damn. The pointed and round arches didn't seem nearly as intriguing as the thought of being roasted alive at the hands of a dragon.

The walk through Hogsmeade had been rather silent, neither he nor Tonks wanting to spring a conversation when the thought of a dragon loomed overhead. In fact, they had only looked at each other once, when predictably, Tonks's heel caught in a cobblestone that she swore jumped out of nowhere, causing her to pitch forward into his awaiting arms. Righting herself with a small mumble, they continued on with their silent vigil until the gates of the Castle reached sight.

Tonks arrived at the gate first, hunting around on the ground for a moment before overturning a rock and finding a small piece of parchment. She looked it over carefully, before grinning wildly and destroying the paper with her wand. As soon as the charred pieces of parchment were carried away on the wind, she pointed her wand towards the gate.

"I solemnly swear we are up to some good."

The gate creaked open at the same time as Remus's smile.

"The phrase seemed good at the time." He said with a glint in his eye, gesturing for Tonks to go in first. Almost giddily, he placed a hand at the small of her back, pressing lightly so she would begin walking. Her breath hitched a bit, and she stumbled ("Damn cobblestones- I think they're hexed."), but seemed otherwise (stunning) normal.

A small pillar of smoke was rising from Hagrid's hut. Worriedly, they sped up their pace, but stopped when the air began to smell of roasting meat, and a chimney became noticeable over the thatching.

Remus knocked on the door, rapping three times, before stepping back and waiting for Hagrid to answer. A muffled yelp came from inside, followed by an "Oomph!", a large thump, and the sound of breaking glass.

A line of worry became etched in Tonks's brow. "Hagrid….are you alright?"

More muffled noises.

She turned to Remus. "D'you reckon we should go in and see if he's alright?"

He looked at the door for a moment, but made up his mind when a loud groan sounded throughout the house. Sighing, he turned back towards Tonks.

"It's better to beg forgiveness than ask permission." He offered, and she nodded.

"Alohamora."

The lock clinked open from the door, and the force of Tonks's spell nearly took the door off of its hinges

Remus pushed the wood open so they could get a closer look, and was met with the most horrific site he had ever seen.

Bare.

Giant.

Arse.

Remus could only stare slack-jawed at the huddle on the floor, who was moaning (now from embarrassment, it seemed), but Tonks erupted in a fit of shrieking giggles.

"Well," she started, but a snigger caused her to lose her focus. She tried again. "Well, it looks like things are under control here, Master Lupin. I'll just go…" more giggles "check the perimeter, make sure that everything's in tip-top shape."

The second she left, Remus walked over to the man on the floor, offering an arm. Hagrid looked up at him and offered a raw smile before pulling himself up and snatching a geranium off of the table, placing it in front of him.

"Dumbledore bought me these new britches since I tangled 'em while I was on official Hogwarts business. I was tryin' ter pull 'em up, I guess 'e underestimated 'ow much weight I've gained over the summer, and they were just a little too tight 'round the waist. Well, I jumped up 'n the air, but tripped over the cuff and sprawled bottom first inter my table. I guess you could say I pulled a Tonks," he said, giving an embarrassed grin, which Remus returned with a smile.

"I tried to answer yeh, but I was facing the other way."

Remus pointed his wand at the hem of Hagrid's pants (which were around his knee) and mumbled a spell. In one maneuver that was quicker than he had ever see Hagrid move, the large man placed the plant on the bed and pulled up his britches, buttoning them.

Remus had never heard such a lovely sound in all of his life.

"Tonks," he called, breathing a sigh of relief, "you can come back now."

The young witch walked back in, a grin still on her face.

"You, uh…doing all right there, Hagrid?" She asked, trying to stifle a giggle.

"S'alright, Tonks. Yer allowed to laugh at me."

"Oh, Hagrid." She said, walking over and placing a hand on his shoulder, "I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at the…situation."

He looked up with a smile. "It was pretty funny, though."

"Funny wasn't the word I was looking for." Remus mumbled, and Tonks stepped on his foot. Accidentally, she said.

A giant roar broke their conversation, making the dishes in the hut rattle, and Remus felt as though his teeth were chattering inside his skull.

"I take it that is why you called us here." Remus said with a grimace.

Hagrid nodded. "Snape brought a nest of three eggs back from one o' those Death Eater meetin's. The Headmaster gave 'em to me, and two of them hatched into Chinese Fireballs. The third 'un didn't hatch, and I assumed it had died. So I kept it instead of given it t'Charlie when 'e came to get the others.

Well, it turned out it was just a different kind of dragon. A Hungarian Horntail. But Charlie'd already left for Romania, so I just kept 'im in the Forest. 'E got a little bigger than they said 'e would."

"Don't they all." Remus mumbled, earning another accidental visit from Tonks's pointed heel.

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End file.
